Book X Chapter XXXI
There is another evil of the day, which I would were
sufficient for it. For by eating and drinking we repair the daily decays of
our body, until Thou destroy both belly and meat [1 Cor 6:13], when Thou
shalt slay my emptiness with a wonderful fulness, and clothe this
incorruptible with an eternal incorruption [1 Cor 15:53]. But now the
necessity is sweet unto me, against which sweetness I fight, that I be not
taken captive; and carry on a daily war by fastings; often bringing my body
into subjection; and my pains are removed by pleasure. For hunger and thirst
are in a manner pains; they burn and kill like a fever, unless the medicine
of nourishments come to our aid. Which since it is at hand through the
consolations of Thy gifts, with which land, and water, and air serve our
weakness, our calamity is termed gratification.
This hast Thou taught me, that I should set myself to
take food as medicine. But while I am passing from the discomfort of
emptiness to the content of replenishing, in the very passage the snare of
concupiscence besets me. For that passing, is pleasure, nor is there any
other way to pass thither, whither we needs must pass. And health being the
cause of eating and drinking, there joineth itself as an attendant a
dangerous pleasure, which mostly endeavours to go before it, so that I may
for her sake do what I say I do, or wish to do, for health's sake. Nor have
each the same measure; for what is enough for health, is too little for
pleasure. And oft it is uncertain, whether it be the necessary care of the
body which is yet asking for sustenance, or whether a voluptuous
deceivableness of greediness is proffering its services. In this uncertainty
the unhappy soul rejoiceth, and therein prepares an excuse to shield itself,
glad that it appeareth not what sufficeth for the moderation of health, that
under the cloak of health, it may disguise the matter of gratification.
These temptations I daily endeavour to resist, and I call on Thy right hand,
and to Thee do I refer my perplexities; because I have as yet no settled
counsel herein.
I hear the voice of my God commanding, Let not your
hearts be overcharged with surfeiting and drunkenness. [Luke 21:34]
Drunkenness is far from me; Thou wilt have mercy, that it come not near me.
But full feeding sometimes creepeth upon Thy servant; Thou wilt have mercy,
that it may be far from me. For no one can be continent unless Thou give it
[Wisdom 8:21]. Many things Thou givest us, praying for them; and what good
soever we have received before we prayed, from Thee we received it; yea to
the end we might afterwards know this, did we before receive it. Drunkard
was I never, but drunkards have I known made sober by Thee. From Thee then
it was, that they who never were such, should not so be, as from Thee it
was, that they who have been, should not ever so be; and from Thee it was,
that both might know from Whom it was. I heard another voice of Thine, Go
not after thy lusts, and from thy pleasure turn away. [Ecclus. 18:30] Yea by
Thy favour have I heard that which I have much loved; neither if we eat,
shall we abound; neither if we eat not, shall we lack [1 Cor 8:8]; which is
to say, neither shall the one make me plenteous, nor the other miserable. I
heard also another, for I have learned in whatsoever state I am, therewith
to be content; I know how to abound, and how to suffer need. I can do all
things through Christ that strengtheneth me. [Philipp 4:11-13] Behold
a soldier of the heavenly camp, not the dust which we are. But remember,
Lord, that we are dust, and that of dust Thou hast made man; and he was lost
and is found. Nor could he of himself do this, because he whom I so loved,
saying this through the in-breathing of Thy inspiration, was of the same
dust. I can do all things (saith he) through Him that strengtheneth me.
Strengthen me, that I can. Give what Thou enjoinest, and enjoin what Thou
wilt. He confesses to have received, and when he glorieth, in the Lord he
glorieth. Another have I heard begging that he might receive. Take from me
(saith he) the desires of the belly [Ecclus 23:6]; whence it appeareth, O my
holy God, that Thou givest, when that is done which Thou commandest to be
done.
Thou hast taught me, good Father, that to the pure, all
things are pure [Titus 1:15]; but that it is evil unto the man that eateth
with offence [Rom 14:20]; and, that every creature of Thine is good, and
nothing to be refused, which is received with thanksgiving [1 Tim 4:4]; and
that meat commendeth us not to God [1 Cor 8:8]; and, that no man should
judge us in meat or drink [Col 2:16]; and, that he which eateth, let him not
despise him that eateth not; and let not him that eateth not, judge him that
eateth [Rom 14:3]. These things have I learned, thanks be to Thee, praise to
Thee, my God, my Master, knocking at my ears, enlightening my heart; deliver
me out of all temptation. I fear not uncleanness of meat, but the
uncleanness of lusting. I know; that Noah was permitted to eat all kind of
flesh that was good for food; that Elijah was fed with flesh; that endued
with an admirable abstinence, was not polluted by feeding on living
creatures, locusts. I know also that Esau was deceived by lusting for
lentiles; and that David blamed himself for desiring a draught of water; and
that our King was tempted, not concerning flesh, but bread. And therefore
the people in the wilderness also deserved to be reproved, not for desiring
flesh, but because, in the desire of food, they murmured against the Lord.
Placed then amid these temptations, I strive daily
against concupiscence in eating and drinking. For it is not of such nature
that I can settle on cutting it off once for all, and never touching it
afterward, as I could of concubinage. The bridle of the throat then is to be
held attempered between slackness and stiffness. And who is he, O Lord, who
is not some whit transported beyond the limits of necessity? whoever he is,
he is a great one; let him make Thy Name great. But I am not such, for I am
a sinful man. Yet do I too magnify Thy name; and He maketh intercession to
Thee for my sins who hath overcome the world; numbering me among the weak
members of His body; because Thine eyes have seen that of Him which is
imperfect, and in Thy book shall all be written [Ps 138:16 (139:16)].
